Short play: Donut

Note: the publication of this play does not imply that it is necessarily available for performances by amateurs or professionals, either in the British Isles or Overseas. Amateurs and prosfessionals are advised to apply to Michelle Kass Associates, 85 Charing Cross Rd, London WC2H 0AA (phone +44 20 7439 1624) for consent before starting reheasals or booking a theatre or hall.

Donut was first performed on Wednesday 23rd Februsry 2005 at Oval House Theatre, London, as part of Lovers From Hell. It was directed by Phil Setren, with design by Charlie Cridlan. The cast was as follows:
Phil: Todd Boyce.
Linus: Daniel Higley.
The London Evening Standard commented that the play "certainly gets the prize for the most inventive use of donuts.”

Scene One

Two men, both aged about 30-40, roll around on a bed, kissing, cuddling and getting geared up for sex. Call them Phil and Linus. The atmosphere is warm, intimate and euphoric. This is the first time they’ve made it to the bedroom.
They’re both attractive people, but in very different ways. Phil’s big and hairy with a kind of outdoorsy vibe to him; Linus is cerebral and cautious and has a toned, slim body.
The decor is stylish, and the place is spotlessly clean and tidy. The bedlinen is white.
A pause. They stop what they’re doing.
PHIL: Have you got condoms?
LINUS: No.
PHIL: Damn. Is there a 7-11 or something?
LINUS: It’ll be closed, but there’s this great delivery service.
PHIL: Oh really?
LINUS: They deliver absolutely everything.
PHIL: Even condoms?
LINUS: Mm-hm. I think I have the number here somewhere.
PHIL: Cool... this is so decadent.
LINUS: Having condoms delivered?
PHIL: Don’t you think?
LINUS: Maybe we should order something else as well. Less embarrassing. You want something for breakfast?
PHIL: Maybe some donuts.
(Frisson. Linus is shocked.)
LINUS: Donuts?
PHIL: If we’re celebrating.
LINUS: You can’t have donuts.
PHIL: I know, I know, but I don’t care.
LINUS: You know how they make them? They’re deep-fried.
PHIL: I know.
LINUS: Refined flour, deep-fried, injected with jam and rolled in sugar.
PHIL; Invention of the devil.
(Beat.)
LINUS: Do you really want me to order donuts?
(Phil begins to perceive Linus’ neurosis, but won’t back down.)
PHIL: Oh, I think so.
LINUS: They probably come in packets of four or something. What if you eat three and leave one?
PHIL: Throw it away.
(Linus glares at Phil fleetingly and picks up the phone.)
LINUS: (tersely) Any donuts you don’t eat you’ll have to take with you. Can I have your assurance of that?
(keys in number)
PHIL: (beginning to enjoy it) OK. Any donut I don’t eat. Or you don’t eat...
LINUS: (flatly) I’m not eating a donut. (into phone) Hullo? Yes, I’d like, um, a pint of milk... Semi-skimmed... A packet of condoms... (to Phil) Durex Ultralite OK?
PHIL: Perfect.
LINUS: (into phone) Yes that’s fine. And some donuts please. (to Phil) Plain or jam?
PHIL: Oh, jam, I think.
LINUS: (into phone) Jam ones, yes... Oh, the minimum amount. Have you got my address?... Yes. Lovely. Thanks... Bye. (puts phone down) They said twenty minutes.
(Beat.)
PHIL: (reflectively) Why can’t I just pop them in the bin, the ones I don’t eat?
LINUS: (snappy and irrational) Because I don’t want donuts in the house, OK?
PHIL: OK, fine. Just asking.
LINUS: (backing down) I... find the smell a little cloying, that’s all. It’s an irrational thing. Probably some childhood association. More champagne?
PHIL: Cheers.
(Linus fills up his glass. They clink glasses and drink.)
PHIL (CONT’D): (gently) So tell me more about the childhood donut trauma.
LINUS: I don’t know if it’s any one single incident. I remember we used to visit my grandmother in Brighton and have fish and chips on the pier and then fresh donuts from the donut-machine.
PHIL: Mm! Heaven!
LINUS: Well, they were nice, but–
PHIL: Did you watch them being cooked?
LINUS: Yes. That was fun.
PHIL: And were they all warm and fragrant?
LINUS: They did smell nice, yes, but...
PHIL: Yes?
LINUS: Well one just felt so bloated afterwards. All that fat and... sugar. And anyway, I was rather overweight as a teenager.
PHIL: I bet you were perfect.
LINUS: (coyly) I was rather large.
PHIL: Well you’re perfect now.
LINUS: Thank you.
PHIL: (getting turned on) The most perfect... sexy man... in the whole world... (kisses him passionately)
LINUS: Shouldn’t we wait for the condoms?
(Phil looks at him, once again struck by his prissiness.)
PHIL: I think you should eat a donut.
LINUS: Stop it.
PHIL: Just one.
LINUS: Get thee behind me Satan!
PHIL: Make your peace with that beautiful body...
LINUS: (shrill and cross) I am not eating a donut! I’m going to Miami tomorrow! I can’t eat a donut!
(SLOW FADE.)

Scene Two

Linus sits, somewhat disgruntled, on the bed.
PHIL: (off) OK - thanks - bye.
(Sound of front door closing. Phil comes in jauntily, holding up the delivered items.)
PHIL (CONT'D): One pint of milk, one packet of twelve Durex Ultralite, and one box of eight jam donuts.
LINUS: Eight?
PHIL: Four more than expected. Maybe we should make a start on them now.
(Phil sits down on the bed and opens the box.)
LINUS: What are you doing?
PHIL: Oh! They’re still warm! Here - smell...
(He waves the box under Linus’ nose.)
LINUS: Take them away!
PHIL: Well, I’m going to have one. Then I’ll be all yours.
LINUS: Oh no don’t... not in the bedroom...
PHIL: Especially in the bedroom.
(Phil faces Linus confrontationally and eats a donut. Very sensually and sloppily. Jam dribbles down his chin. Linus watches, fascinated and appalled.)
LINUS: I hope you’re going to brush your teeth...
PHIL: Mm... this is really getting me in the mood...
(Sugar and crumbs fall into his chest-hair. Linus notices.)
LINUS: You’ll have to have a shower...
PHIL: Nonsense. I’m the donut-devil. And I’m coming to get you!
(Phil clambers towards him, still eating, with the box of donuts.
Linus attempts to lighten his tone - to appear less neurotic.)
LINUS: Get away from me with those things!
(Phil waves a donut under his nose.)
PHIL: I think you want one...
LINUS: (firmly) I don’t want a donut.
(Phil climbs on top of him, tucks into another donut and then proceeds to make love to him with his mouth still full of it...)
PHIL: Mm... let the donut-devil take you to donut paradise...
(Now Linus is conflicted. He’s very attracted to Phil and he does indeed want a donut, but his brain is forbidding it.)
LINUS: No... no... this isn’t fair... no... not with jam on your chin...
PHIL: I can think of something nice to do with jam...
(Phil takes a fresh donut and squeezes the jam out of it onto his hand.)
LINUS: (scared) What are you gonna do?
(Phil smears the jam between Linus’ legs. Linus gasps in horror and arousal.)
LINUS (CONT’D): Oh my god!
PHIL: Ooh... donut-devil’s made a mess. Better lick it clean.
(Phil goes down on him - )
LINUS: Oh my god...!
(- contriving meanwhile to keep one hand up near Linus’ face, waving a donut at him.)
PHIL: Eat the donut... eat the donut...
LINUS: No... no... take it away... (moans in pleasure) ... this isn’t fair... Oh! That feels good!... Oh!...
PHIL: Don’t be afraid of pleasure. Eat the donut.
LINUS: (firmly) I choose not to eat the donut.
PHIL: You want to eat the donut.
LINUS: (gasping with pleasure) You have no right... to tell me... what I want...
PHIL: I love you. I want you to be happy.
LINUS: You have no right to make me happy without my permission...
SLOW FADE.

Scene Three

Phil fucks Linus, simultaneously trying to force a donut into his mouth. They’re both very turned on.
PHIL: Eat the donut. Eat the fucking donut.
LINUS: No... no...
PHIL: I know you want to. I can feel it.
LINUS: OK, I want to, but I can’t.
PHIL: Just say, “I want to eat the donut.”
LINUS: I can’t.
PHIL: You can! Just say it! Just say it!
LINUS: I don’t know... I’m not sure... (feeling pleasure) Oh... Oh...
PHIL: “I want to eat the donut” - come on, say it!
LINUS: OK, I want to eat the donut!
PHIL: Louder.
LINUS: I want to eat the donut!
PHIL: Louder!
LINUS: I WANT TO EAT THE DONUT!
PHIL: OK, now eat it!
LINUS: (weeping with emotion) I’m afraid!
PHIL: Don’t be afraid! It’s just a donut!
(Linus laughs, cries and moans. Phil thrusts into him energetically, sweating and panting.)
LINUS: Oh... Oh... (approaching climax) OK - now! I’m ready! Feed me the donut!
PHIL: It’s right here, baby. Just bite on it.
(Linus bites on the donut. Jam spurts out. It spurts onto Phil’s face. It dribbles down Linus’ chin.)
LINUS: Oh my god! Oh my god!
(Linus devours the donut like a hungry animal. Phil helps by pushing it into his mouth.)
LINUS (CONT’D): (mouth full) Oh Jesus Christ...! Oh...!
(They orgasm wildly. Nice long pause. They pant, and come back down to earth.)
PHIL: How was it for you?
LINUS: Out of this world! And they’re not really that sweet, are they?
BLACKOUT.
* * *

Copyright ROBERT FARRAR 2005